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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

So, it's been like this...

The MS has been bugging me for a while. Determinedly (or should that be stubbornly?) I've tried to out fox it. My creative well has all but dried up and I've been emotionally drained since losing my m-i-l to MS three months ago. Then, the ongoing stress of my own mother's ongoing battle with cancer is also taking its toll, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised.

A few weeks ago I accepted that I'm not in the right place to write fiction at the moment. I have instead enjoyed the luxury of immersing myself in reading and discovering lots of articles on the craft of writing (and when possible posting links via Facebook/Twitter for other aspiring writers to enjoy). It also made sense for me to turn to my other creative pursuits like knitting, cross-stitch and my recent introduction to rug making, but I soon discovered that even those, like the writing, were beyond me because my hands had turned MSsy too.

With no output for my creativity I recognised that I was in danger of slipping into that dark tunnel of depression that I know so well. Then something happened and I became aware that there's a difference to the usual slippery slope. Depression often takes away the feeling of wanting to do anything (even reading) but I still had the urge to keep busy. That was the moment when I found a hidden strength to fight back. I knew I had to find something therapeutic that I could do - even with the MSsy symptoms. I then felt a great NEED to do some baking but (as is my want) I had to do it NOW. Right now. Trust me when I say that this was a first for me! I usually want to bake, but a need to? Not so much.

Recognising that he was witnessing something unusual, and being a man who loves his wife's home cooking, Graham became a Man-on-a-Mission. His task? To take me around a few local village shops to scour the shelves for ingredients. Of course, by the time we arrived home armed with self-raising flour and other baking paraphernalia I was whacked. The next day however I was good to go and for the next few days I was a hive of activity (see previous post).

We both enjoyed my sudden achievements and I was sooo careful to look after myself too. I'd work in the kitchen for 20 minutes then have a rest for 20 minutes before continuing my goals and thus it continued. Heck, I even used a timer (lest I got enticed by the power of internet procrastination)! By this time I'd recognised that this was me being determined and not stubborn and my technique was working! And then... I was hit by even more chronic dizziness and fatigue than usual.

I'm currently in a relapse but, as I always do when I have no other option, I'm allowing it to take its course. So far, I've managed not to contact the powers-that-be to likely coerce me into a short, intense course of the dreaded steroids. So far. We'll see. If I get any worse than I was at the weekend especially, I won't be stubborn and I will arrange to see the doc.

As always, I'm grateful for all the prayers/positive thoughts that are sent my way and in the meantime, please bear with me when I unload my meaningless words in a rambling blog post. The way I see it - at least I'm writing something. : D